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10 Things I’ve Learned from Reading Romance Novels

Usually I’m a big reader of autobiographies, biographies, non-fiction history, and all other snobby-type books. But after a 12-hour workday sometimes I just want to forget who I am and pretend to be someone younger, prettier, sexier, etc., etc. So yeah, I read romance novels to relax. There! I’ve admitted it. Go ahead and mock me. Because you are too pretentious to read romance novels, I thought I’d share what I’ve learned from them.

1. There are a lot of 20-something billionaires out there.

I sure as hell wish I knew this when I was younger but apparently it’s true. There are self-made billionaires literally EVERYWHERE. Now go out and find one!

2. Virgins do it better

Not only are there are ton of virgins attending a college near you but once they lose their V-cards they are f*cking phenomenal in bed. They are multi-orgasmic and on the first try as well!

3. Bad boys are deep

It turns out that bad boys aren’t, well, bad. No, they are just misunderstood. Aaahhhh

4. BDSM is happening

When I was a young 20-something, I didn’t even know what BDSM meant. And to be honest I’m just guessing now as well. Anyway, everyone’s doing it so go ahead and get your BDSM do-it-yourself kit at Amazon. You know you want to.

5. Motorcycles are hot.

Enough said. And really I didn’t learn this from reading romance novels I just like to take every opportunity I have to talk about Harleys (so sue me I went to college in Milwaukee).

6. Everything’s better with a piercing

Nipple piercing is just so 20th century. If you want to be in the now, you need an ampallang. I just looked that up on Wikipedia and literally fell off my chair with shock and mirth. Yes, I’m an adult.

7. Tattoos are hot, hot, hot

I’m so caught up in the tatted and beautiful that I’m even considering getting one. Well, as long as no one can actually see it of course.

8. Everyone is skinny and beautiful

Obviously the writers of romance novels do not shop at my grocery store.

9. All men are players until they met ‘The One’

And just like that, they are no longer man whores but loyal puppy dogs that would do anything to win their girl. (I think I threw up in my mouth a little on that.)

10. E-readers make erotica available to the masses

So we all know you got the e-reader so you could read ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’ without anyone catching on but unfortunately not everyone has one yet. I was at the Dubai airport last year and saw a woman sitting at the coffee shop in her burqa reading a paperback copy of ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’. Can we assume hubby doesn’t speak English?

Okay. Two more because I just can’t resist.

11. Women always wear sexy underwear

Remember that virgin we were talking about? Yep, even she’s wearing silk and lace. Also important to note: it’s super easy to tear those sexy undies off.

12. Tidy whities are a thing of the past

Thank God for that.

  • Michael W. Perry

    The thriller/adventure novels for men are no more realistic.

    1. No matter what the danger and how many bullets fly, the hero never gets killed.

    2. For every problem, there’s a fancy, high-tech gadget to solve it.

    3. Finding a parking place is never a problem. Parking lots are never full.

    4. The bad guys are almost always identifiably weird or perverse.

    5. The women aren’t looking for commitment. Only one night stands.

    6. Even in government employ, there’s no expense receipts to be kept and no paperwork to fill out.

    7. Every threat to the world’s safety is solved in two hours (for movies) or a few hundred pages (for books).

    I could go on if I read more thrillers and less history. But I’d rather write about realities such as cancer in children. There the problems and their solutions are realistic and matter. Escaping into romance or adventure won’t even get the garbage carried out.

    –Michael W. Perry, My Nights with Leukemia: Caring for Children with Cancer.

  • http://www.dehaggerty.com D.E. Haggerty

    So true! Although I do love to forget about real life for a while, so I guess I’ll keep on reading thrillers :-)