What I like about this first page is that it makes me ask questions: why is this man hiding in the bushes? What’s he going to do with that crowbar?
I also like the simplicity and truth of the first sentence: The good thing about bushes is that they don’t pretend to be something that they aren’t. The narrator’s voice, attitude, and view of others—or maybe himself?—is immediately provided.
The problem with this first page is that it’s incredibly wordy (with some awkward word choices and phrasing).
Wordiness: The good thing about bushes is that they don’t pretend to be something that they aren’t.
All I have to do is wait and be strong, to seek comfort in the fact that I know, without hesitation, that the world finally needs me.
At the risk of offending the writer, I’d like to edit the page so that it reads the way it would appeal to me as a reader. As I said, I like the general idea; I’m intrigued by this bush-dwelling man on a mission. But there are just so many words, some of them the wrong ones (“envious” lifestyle rather than “envied”), and ideas that could be simplified to make the story read more cleanly and more quickly.
Edited page follows:
The good thing about bushes is that they don’t pretend to be something that they aren’t. They look as unwelcoming on the outside as they feel when you are hiding lying amongst with in them. (end paragraph)
But not even the delicate surroundings of the more exclusive areas of suburbia make my mission any the more welcoming (? I’m stuck on this word. Why would the mission be welcoming? Does the author mean “welcome”?) , or any the less dangerous.
I dreamed, once, of living amongst as one of the fashionable elite, smothered in the status that I secretly observe. All before me, the big houses, the gravel driveways with the electronic gates, and the rest of the that envious envied lifestyle were all on the old list. How far away are they now? Further than ever, no way back.
I was always that bit different, never quite fitting in, waiting for that unknown something that would give my life purpose. I know now that this time is fast approaching. Not a time of amassed material values possessions meant to blind mask my unhappiness, instead but the time of an act of self-sacrifice that will wash away my sins. All I have to do is wait, and be strong, to seek comfort in knowing the fact that I know, without question hesitation, that the world finally needs me. Today Joseph, good old Joe, average Joe, will is going to forgo the dream for the greater good.
Every Each small movement I make whilst lying here is cruelly rewarded by being a branch’s poked in of retribution by various branches, in turn accompanied by the revealing sounds that makes my breath stop heart shudder in the silent twilight. But as the electronic gates open and the black BMW makes its way rolls up the driveway, the uncomfortable surroundings that seemed so paramount moments ago the noise, the discomfort, all of it fades from my awareness. My grip unconsciously tightens on the crowbar. as my conviction rises, overturning the years of conditioning that have blinded me to the truth.
What’s actually happening on the first page has me interested in what will happen next, but as a reader, I’d be afraid the pages that follow would lose me in circles of words.
About the Author: Kristen Tsetsi
Author of Homefront.
Freya said on June 9, 2009
Hi
It would have been wonderful if an excerpt was also given with the review. Providing an excerpt of the book with the review would help readers, as not only would they get what the reviewer thinks but also a taste of the book.
Do you think this is a good idea to provide?
Cheers
Freya
PS do try our tool BookBuzzr (www.bookbuzzr.com) to provide an excerpt in an interesting and compact manner.
Kristen said on June 9, 2009
The whole first page is the excerpt. (Does the img not show up for you? Before the review is a copy of the first page.)
Kristen said on June 9, 2009
Oh…just noticed you’re probably here to promote BookBuzzr…
Henry Baum said on June 9, 2009
This is the third time he’s made that comment. I approved one of them. Freya, I’m going to start deleting them now.
Freya said on June 9, 2009
Hi Kisten
I did notice the ONE page excerpt but then we do say don’t judge a book by its cover. Don’t you think then more pages would help. Please do check the size of our widget, its way smaller.
Also yes I do promote BookBuzzr but… I’d like to make a few things clear. I promote BookBuzzr because I truly believe it can help authors and reader and let me tell you I don’t have anything to gain as BookBuzzr is FREE.
Hope that answers your questions… If not do email me freya@bookbuzzr.com
Henry – Am not sure I understand your comment. Did I post the same comment thrice? If I did am sorry.
Also while am messaging you. We are working on the scroll issue you told us about and should have it resolved soon. Just wanted to let you know
Cheers
Freya
Kristen said on June 9, 2009
Freya – it’s called the Page One Review. A review of a self-published book’s first page. The point of the review is to look at, and review, a book’s first page.
Other, more in-depth and full-book reviews, are also provided here – but they’re just called “reviews,” not the Page One Review.
Freya said on June 9, 2009
Sorry Kristen. My bad
Sometimes wanting to help can take you overboard…
Cheers
Freya
Daryl Gould said on June 11, 2009
Thanks for the comments and yes it is I, the writer.
I must have rewritten that first page a hundred times. The first draft was very similar to the corrections you suggested but it has been tinkered to infer a sense of devine justice on behalf of the narrator. Plus, many aspects of the character is particular in his choice of words i.e.
MINE: My grip unconsciously tightens on the crowbar. as my conviction rises, overturning the years of conditioning that have blinded me to the truth.
(Joe has discovered something about the world and has seen the truth and feels it his duty to correct it).
YOURS: My grip tightens on the crowbar.
(He now just comes across as a nutter in my opinion when he is far from it, at least in his eyes)
Of course it is hard to explain further without establishing plot and context. And naturally I am a writer and we are an
easily offended bunch. As for what happens next? Well I couldnt say but I’d be interested to find out what you thought.
Kristen said on June 11, 2009
Hi, Daryl. Thanks for leaving a comment.
I understand what you were doing, but my problem with the first page was all the vagueness (what truth? what conditioning?). I also thought everything leading up to the bit about his conviction rising and the blinding from the truth was strong enough by itself to paint a portrait of him. Too much and it just begins (to me) to feel like overkill. His grip tightening on the crowbar indicates to me that he’s about to move forward with his task – it sounds crazier, in my opinion, for him to have that internal monologue about truth and conditioning. Almost like he’s trying too hard to defend his behavior. Preaching.
I’m sorry if I did offend you – as a writer, I know how it feels, and that it’s one of the risks you take when you put your work out for review. I hope you’ll remember I did say I was interested in the story itself.
daryl gould said on June 12, 2009
Hi Kristen
Dont worry I wasn’t offended. If couldn’t take a honest review with its negatives as well as its positives then life as a writer would be unbearable. This first page in itself is a flash forward in the story telling with the vagueness relevant to allow the reader to see it unfolding as the plot progresses, hopefully making sense as a whole.
I initially self published to get an idea of whether it was liked before i approached publishers and the like. I have had positive reviews but where it falls down is the level of proof reading undertaken. I think the lesson for me to learn here is you essentially get what you pay for.
I’m more than grateful for your comments, especially as it seems although not quite perfect for your tastes you are still interested beyond that first page. Plus, I always think writers looking at other writers are the best and worst of critics. On one hand we look at a novel and appreciate what the writer was trying to do with a bit more technical understanding, on the other hand we would want to write it in out own particular way.
I’m more than happy to send you the full novel if you were so inclined.
Thanks again
Daryl