I became a storyteller at the age of six with edge-of-your-seat stories such as My Friend Got Hit by a Car and Now He’s in the Hospital and My Other Friend Stuck her Hand in the Woorshing Mcahine and now she has a Bump on her Arm. It’s James Leer-like.

I enjoy buying miracle products and at times consider buying the Shark hardwood floor cleaner though I don’t have hardwood floors. When someone tells me to Hurry-Up-Before-This-Offer-Ends I listen. I think it takes too long to ship everything. There should be some sort of sucker tube that connects my neighborhood to the Shark building. And the SlapChop Outlet. And the Snuggie Corner (and does anyone else wonder why they didn’t name the Snuggie the Slanket… it could be the provocative Snuggie and who says that hookers don’t get cold).

“I’d rather be a lightning rod than a seismograph.”

That pretty much sums it up.